Tough Mudder: 6 Things We Learned

Lucy's trainers after finishing Tough Mudder.

Want to get really fit? Forget marathons, these days it's all about a Tough Mudder mud run, a 12 mile cross-country obstacle course designed to push every single muscle in your body. Features writer Lucy Pavia ran the course last weekend. Here is what she learned.

1) Newsflash: it’s very muddy
We’re talking more mud than that Glastonbury in 2007 when all the tents sank. And so many different TYPES of it too: sticky, dark chocolate cake mud which clumps onto your knees, pale clay mud which makes your hair go crispy (upshot: free hair mask!), deceptively deep gloopy bogs of mud which suck the trainers off your feet. Worst is the watery, grainy mud-in-disguise which soaks right through your clothes and smells a bit pond-y. Get the picture? A LOT of mud.

2) Don't bring your Cos handbag
Like I did. You might as well bring a big old sign that says 'hello everyone, I do not belong here'

3) The electric shocks are not actually the worst bit
Tough Mudder's 12-mile course is filled with obstacles roughly modelled on the ones used to torture Demi Moore in G.I Jane. The real PR-grabbers are those involving electric shocks. The first, Electric Eel, is a cage of low hanging electrified tentacles you have to shimmy your way through on your belly without being shocked. You know that Wire Loop Game where you have to get a loop as far along a bendy wire as possible without making it beep? It's like that, except in this case YOU are the wire loop and the ‘beep’ noise is the sound of your agonised screams. Here’s the thing though: the electric shocks might get all the air time, but it’s the ice bath that separates the men from the boys - a ten foot ice-filled tank (or the most immersive ice bucket challenge ever) which causes a brain freeze so intense I staggered out clutching my forehead like Harry Potter. Anyway, never mind because....

4) There’s a warm up dude!
Race starters get into the zone with a ten minute pep talk from a man who appears to have been trained at the acting school of Mr T. ‘I AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR WHINERS!’ he yells in a transatlantic accent, then makes you do lunges to ‘Eye of The Tiger’. He’ll also give you a high five as you run across the start line. I liked him.

5) It’s quite nice being a lady
The Tough Mudder contestant pool tends to be about 70% male and can be roughly divided into three broad categories:
1) The ‘I Bench 300’ Beefcakes (good on the monkey bars, not so good at the running in between)
2) The Lean Cardio Dudes (aiming to finish in a time, slinks around the course in under two hours)
3) The Have-a-go Lads (had a few pints the night before, is wearing a pink tutu over his shorts and might need to stop and have a little cry at mile 8)
Good news is, 99% of these guys turn into model gents whenever you get close to the ten-foot wall and need a lift up or a hand down (and no-one, not even the 'I Bench 300' Beefcakes, can get over these walls alone - this is pure, heartwarming, all-for-one, office away day stuff). The sense of group camaraderie peaks at the final obstacle, Everest, a huge slippery half pipe which you have to sprint up and grab the ledge of to get over. On top of this ledge a row of ‘I Bench 300 Beefcakes’ hang themselves over and grab the arms of runners in need of help. When it came to my turn I was caught by a muscly tattooed chap in a neon lycra vest. We locked eyes. ‘I’ve got you. Don’t you let go’ he said as I dangled in the air like a wet dishcloth. For one very awkward moment we were mud running’s answer to Leo and Kate.

6) It’s a lot of fun I promise
The thing about running a very long way is it’s often quite a boring and solitary affair. But there is nothing boring or solitary about Tough Mudder. In all the endless mud, water and medieval obstacles you will have a weird amount of fun. You will also hurt a lot the next day. And you will probably sign up to do it again next year...

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